Sarah Speed and Alexandra Hawkes of our Family team share insights on balancing openness with protecting your child’s emotional well-being during your divorce.
Is your teenage child asking you for information on why you and their mum or dad are separating? Or whether they are going to have move house? Or if you will all have enough money to go round? Have they asked to read legal correspondence or documents? Are they trying to act as a middleman or mediator between you and their other parent?
Teenagers dealing with divorce often crave transparency and may feel entitled to share in private, legal information. They will often express strong opinions about your choices and behaviour.
Providing for their best interests and emotional well-being when the divorce is affecting their home life, schooling, or contact with their wider family is likely to be tough on you, particularly when you are also trying to manage your own concerns and adapt to running a household single handedly, and perhaps also working and managing your wider day to day issues.
It will be important to balance helping them feel secure and informed, and protecting them from the emotional and legal burdens of your separation, whilst continuing to look after yourself.
The Legal Perspective: What should you share with your teenagers dealing with divorce?
Your divorce proceedings are confidential to you and your spouse.
Whilst their curiosity is understandable, you must focus on maintaining the integrity of the process.
You are under no obligation to share private information, and should not do so. However, you may choose to share some broad ideas and key issues with your teenagers so as to reassure them that they are being heard and have not been forgotten.
The Emotional Impact of Divorce on Teenagers
Divorce will inevitably affect the entire family.
It is crucial that you protect your young adults from feeling that they share any responsibility for your decision-making, particularly as decisions taken in the heat of the moment could have unexpected consequences in the fullness of time or with the benefit of hindsight and may need to be revisited and perhaps reversed or adjusted. If you were to share information that they misinterpret or misunderstand, or you make decisions that they subsequently feel responsible for, the burden could have a damaging effect on their emotional wellbeing.
Instead, it may be helpful to engage a family therapist or the support of the pastoral care team at their school. That way, your teenager is likely to feel that they have been given a voice as to their living arrangements, schooling, or how to share their time between each of their parents, without taking on the weight and responsibility of any unwanted changes or outcomes.
Practical Steps to Navigate Discussions
Encourage open communication with healthy boundaries
It is completely natural for your teenager to have questions, and a teenager who feels excluded from the process might experience anxiety or resentment.
It is important to strike a balance between sharing age-appropriate information in a clear and practical way, and risking breaching your duty of confidentiality and causing your teenager distress. For example, they cannot be told every detail of court proceedings, but they can be told what the process involves or the date of the next hearing.
It can be helpful to ask your teenager open-ended questions which focus on and encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings, such as:
- “How do you feel about the idea of splitting your time between two homes?”
- “Is there anything about the proposed arrangements that worry you?”
- “What’s most important to you about how we move forward as a family?”
- “Is there anything you’re finding particularly hard at the moment?”
Engaging with your child, rather than batting away uncomfortable questions, will allow them to feel heard and supported without placing the emotional weight of adult decisions on their shoulders.
Although your teenager may want to be given a voice, you are the adult and need to make it clear what you can discuss with them and what is private as between you and their other parent. Remember, you are in charge.
Listening to their views
A child’s views as to financial matters on divorce will not be taken into account.
However, in disputes over living or educational arrangements, the court may take into account a child’s wishes and feelings, in light of their age and maturity, and their wellbeing will be paramount. However, this doesn’t mean they should be asked to “choose” an outcome or that the court will act on their wishes alone.
If you are unable to agree arrangements for your teenager, it is unlikely that the court will make an order if they are 14 years or older, save where there are exceptional circumstances. Family therapists, mediators and Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) will have helpful signposting advice, written in an age-appropriate way, on their websites that both you and your teenager can access.
Maintain a routine
During this uncertain time, structure and routine can give teenagers a sense of stability. Try to maintain normal routines around school, home, and activities where at all possible.
When to Seek Legal Advice
If you are unsure how much information to share with your young-adult child, seek advice. We can guide you through this difficult time or recommend the guidance of other suitable specialists to help you navigate your way through your separation and divorce whilst protecting your own wellbeing and that of your teenager.
